10/04/25 - fixations

while i'm writing this, I am currently listening to a vocaloid playlist. that doesn't really have to do with anything, i just wanted to say it. here's the link :p

i know, i should get into the habit of downloading things i care about, especially because people on the internet really love to ERRADICATE their entire existance online with any minor inconvience; yes i am speaking from experience... i had so many old art instagram accounts that i made, only to delete them cuz i thought my art was ass... and it was, don't get me wrong, but i wish i didn't anyways. most of that art is lost now, the tablet and phone that i drew those on are probably rotting in a goodwill bin god knows where, and my mom never kept my old paper drawings. it sucks to know that there are parts of me i'll never get to see again because i, nor the people around me, gave enough of a shit to keep it all safe. :(

i think people's interests make up a big part of who they are, especially when you latch onto a character or thing from a tv show, book, or game and just make them YOUR thing for the forseeable future. like for me, i heard of this guy named kaeya alberich in this weird ass game and was like 'okay sure i'll start it for him' and here i am now nearly 5 years later still just as obbsessed with him now as i was then (argueably, even more so...). but i guess that's the thing: i like more than just kaeya now. there's so much new media and stuff i've gotten into then; i am not the same person I was back in 2020-21. which makes sense, right? even outside of how media impacts people, the passage of time itself is enough to change people, for better or for worse. and it's weird because, people change, but their habits don't. their speech changes, their personality, their interests and their maturity, but... you know that saying: 'some people can't change'? i wonder why that is...

as someone who gets into a new media like CLOCKWORK every few months, i know i am not the same person i was before i got into the media... you know? if i told myself (i'm writing this bit here on 10/20... YES I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE.) a few weeks ago that i'd be thirsting over a CELL-PHONE from a donghua, i'd have thought i'd actually lost my mind. ...and yes maybe i have BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. that being said, i still really enjoy old media like eah, voltron, atla, minecraft, ETC just as much as i did when i was little... so i guess that begs the question..

have i changed? am i still the same person i was back then, just with more time lived under my belt now? does that make it better or worse?

food for thought i guess. i think i started writing this blog post because i was REALLY getting back into eah, to the point where i bought the G1 apple and raven dolls, as well as the first line of books mattel released for eah:

but right now, i'm watching through... a lot of different things. i started link click last night after finishing god troubles me (which... holy crap bilibili PLEASEEE i am so excited for season 5 please don't cut it's funding please please please), and i'm working my way through hannibal and the summer hikaru died anime right now, also playing through p5 again, started playing dramatical murder also! ...so there's a lot occupying my head right now :,D not that it's a bad thing at all! i'm happiest when i've got a lot of media to obbsess over i think haha :p

i think i had a deep meaning or something planned for this blog post, but i can't remember it anymore, so i guess i'll leave it at that. maybe sometime in the future i'll come back and update this, talk about new things i've gotten into or a little more about fixations in general, and why i think they're such a big part of me :p till then i suppose ^^;